Thursday Tippity Tip: 7 Things I Did for "Love"
Love can make us do weird things...like seriously weird things. I have been on the receiving end of perturbed looks from those who didn't understand why I was doing the things I was, especially since I had never done them before. I totally understand, I have done the same thing to others out of ignorance. So what turned me into an unrecognizable people pleaser making weird love induced behaviors?
Well I discovered the hard way that certain people are like the cancer cells of love. They are out to hurt, but people accept them initially because of two reasons a) they seem so benign (this is the ones I have met) or b) they are so scary and overwhelming a person can feel immediately trapped.
Whatever the reason, the result is the same. When I am around people like that, I begin to do things that I "think" are out of love but really it is out of an unhealthy relating cycle they suck me into. I feed that cancerous person the "sugar" they crave (i.e. whatever makes THEM feel happy) and unwittingly unleash an even bigger monster. In short, loving them is actually hurting me.
Here are 7 unhealthy behaviors I personally discovered when loving someone that hurt me along with some personal reflection questions.
I took on his responsibility - Oh I was so guilty of this. I used to take on his responsibility in my then marriage relationship because I knew if I didn't he would not keep his promises to me or others and then I'd feel ashamed as if it were a reflection on me. Not only that, I felt bad for the people it hurt or left hanging. But in reality, what's the worst that would happen? In the end, no matter what he chose, it would always be a reflection of him, not me. What was motivating me to react this way? Was my motivation solely because I cared about others or was it in part my own image I was worried about?
Apologizing for him becomes normal - Another one I was so guilty of doing. Someone would say something validly frustrating about the person I was married to and I would apologize for him as if a) it was my fault and b) his behavior was excusable. In part I didn't realize I was doing this because I had become so much of an appendage of him that it felt like their accusations somehow included me, therefore I had to apologize as if I was responsible too. What responsibility do I have in apologizing for someone else's behavior? How am I silencing the voice of truth in excusing someone? When do I stop being an individual?
I felt I had to constantly secure his love - It felt like a black hole when it came to loving the person I was married to. I was in favor or out of favor depending on how HE felt that day. I would find ways to create the safety I so desperately wanted by doing almost whatever he demanded in the hopes it would make me "feel" loved. When does love become a dangling carrot to be earned or removed on a whim? How is real love supposed to be lived out? What can I tell myself to remind me I am loved by God no matter what?
My confidence began to disappear and self loathing set in - Before the person I married, I was a confident, vibrant person but in a span of just 3 1/2 years I was reduced to being confident of one just thing in that relationship; I was worthless. It was like the more I did the less he cared and to be fair, what I was seeing was exactly what was happening but it didn't change that my confidence needed to be untied from the wharfs of his opinions. I needed to ask myself, What makes me matter as a person? Who does God say that I am? Where do I get my confidence? On what or who am I basing my confidence?
I made decisions based off a "what will he think/say?" - Sometimes people would give me these strange looks when I would say..."well I can't do that because he will probably get mad" over something as simple as the amount of meat I was buying. My life became consumed with the tip toeing fear of if my decisions would please or displease him. When does God's voice get replaced by someone else's? What territory should my authority cover in the day to day decision making? How can I honor requests yet use my common sense to make decisions needed in the moment?
I was hurt by him but didn't feel the freedom to address it - In case you didn't know this about me, I am a communicator about most things. :) So when I realized one day that I felt no freedom to address anything with him I knew something was wrong. I began to see that when I shared I would either get my feelings laughed at, ignored, or it would get deflected back onto me and how it was always my fault for the things he said or did. There was no freedom to address hurt because my hurt was never validated or cared about. What makes my feelings valid or not? What keeps me in that cycle for so long?
Faking the love because I didn't want to feel stupid - Some people have asked me with accusatory (sometimes mean) tones lacing their voices "Well you said you loved him and made this post on Facebook and said this over here so what's it to be now?" To which I say, you're right. I did write things and say things because I was hoping if I just said it enough times or faked it to the world that "poof!" it would become true. Like somehow what I was portraying about my marriage on Facebook would begin to melt into reality. I can honestly say I was not trying to be dis in-genuine. There was love on my side but it was being destroyed and abused. At the heart of it all, I just didn't want to have to face the shame and reality that the person I married was a wolf and I was the stupid sheep that got caught. I had such a messed up perspective that at the time, I really thought it was my sheep naivety that was the issue instead of the prowling wolf in sheep's clothing. How can I be genuine without airing all the dirty laundry? What should I do when I realize I am building a facade to hide my hurt and shame?
Which one these (if any) have you found yourself doing in your relationships (any kind of relationship)? How did you recognize you were doing that behavior? What did you do to change it? Would love to hear your voice in the comments. :) I hope in the sharing of my personal struggles you realize you are not alone. I am indeed an ordinary girl with an extraordinary God who is able to redeem even the darkest, most shame filled areas of our lives. God is not afraid to handle your hurts. He is a safe harbor where anyone can come and learn or relearn (like I had to) how to relate in healthy ways.
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