Thursday Tippity Tip: 4 Biblical Ways to Detect Abusers

As a pastor was speaking my heart chords were struck with resounding truths about abusers (of any kind). So resounding in fact, that the thoughts drowned out what he was saying for the next few minutes (Sorry Pastor! ☺️). I quickly jotted down notes so I could share them with you. Before I do, I just want to say that there are enough psychology journals, books and articles out in the world to probably circle earth several times over but I have found very few to be written from a biblical perspective. I believe the Bible when it says there is nothing new under the sun so whenever I listen or read anything behavior related in psychology, I like to find examples or parallels in the Bible that confirm (or sometimes deny) what is being said. These next four tips are just such parallels that I hope help you, as a believer, to understand abusers from a biblical perspective.

Abusers:

1) Demand Idolatry

When someone demands I love them above ALL else and to give them preeminence in ALL things by their attitudes or words they are asking me to commit idolatry against God. Idolatry is putting emphasis on or obsessing about something or someone more than God. But God says

"Thou shalt have no other gods before me."

Exodus 20:3

I remember the moment I realized I had been committing idolatry by allowing my then spouse to demand preeminence over everything (including God) in my life. In a relationship where someone is demanding full attention and lordship as it were, without fail, there will come a point where a choice will have to be made of who will get preeminence; God or them. No matter what, Jesus is the only one who should ever have the preeminence.

"And he (Jesus) is the head of the body, the church: who is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead; that in all things he might have the preeminence."

Colossians 1:18

2) Practice Consistently Bad Behavior

"Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies, Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God."

Galatians 5:1-21

"These six things doth the Lord hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him: A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, A false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren."

Proverbs 6:16-19

We all have our moments but what separates "oops" and momentary bad choices from abusers is that over any length of time at least one of the traits mentioned above WILL consistently show itself if the person is bent on brokenness. This revelation is really helpful to understand especially if the person doing the bad behavior is trying to talk spiritual. I had to re-learn in my own situation how to differentiate between someone who consistently LIVES like Jesus and someone who just TALKS like they know Jesus but with no actions that collaborate the talk.

3) Remove Perfect Love

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love"

1 John 4:18

One of the things I remember most vividly is the fear I lived in. Fear of the silent treatment. Fear of doing something that would make him mad. Fear of feeling...no, KNOWING the love would be removed when being "punished" for any behavior or attitude he decided he didn't like. It was torment to my soul that only got worse with each passing month. It took me a long time to realize what was happening was NOT a picture of how Jesus Christ loves his people. I had to be rememinded that Christ's love was set on me long before I took a breath and nothing can take his love away because it is determined by his love and faithfulness alone which removed all fear of ever losing Jesus's love for me.

4) Take away grace

Grace never requires anything but abusers require payment for anything they deem to be a wrong against them...which is basically everything. They have never allowed themselves to experience God's grace so they can't give it to anyone else; not even themselves. But that is not at all the heart of God.

"Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need."

Hebrew 4:16

Relationships, especially marriage ones, should have a "throne of grace" where both can obtain mercy and find grace from each other. In short, grace is a form of having good will toward another person. I personally have discovered that when grace is not given space, it is like removing water from a plant. Eventually, even the heartiest of cacti will wilt and die. We are all of us human (abusers included even though it is their fear of their own humanity that makes them so ungracious). To expect perfection is ridiculous. We all take turns being whole and wholly unfair. We all take turns giving grace and needing grace. But the point is, grace is given and when it isn't that relationship WILL die. But I also discovered that God's grace is always extended, no matter what. I needed to know that truth especially when the relationship with my emotional abuser finally died. When that happened I knew all was not lost because there was GOD'S ever extended grace transplanting my withered soul into healtheir soil where His grace could daily water my heart back to life.

Grace be unto you, and peace, from God our Father, and from the Lord Jesus Christ. I thank my God always on your behalf, for the grace of God which is given you by Jesus Christ;

1 Corinthians 1:3-4

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