Thursday Tippity Tip: Compromise & Boundaries (Where does one end and the other begin?)
Have you ever heard "relationships take compromise"?
I have. MANY times. But it never occurred to me until recently to ask myself, Where does compromise end and boundaries begin in relationships? I mean, I knew what each component meant but how did they really work together? How could I know where I should compromise and where I should hold a boundary without feeling like I had to have a relationship manual attached to my hip full of complicated do and don't formulas?
One thing is for sure, in my short lifetime, I found out the hard way in one disastrous relationship of what happens when there is too much compromise. Not only did I lose myself, but I began to enable wrong behavior in the other person because I felt too much guilt and rejection from him if I said no, so I compromised to have "happiness" and "peace" if even for a day. Yikes, what a terrible path I chose! It was a phantom hill slow fade of losing myself one compromise at a time until one day I looked up and saw a picture of myself and did not recognize who it was for several seconds.
I also learned boundaries and compromise are actually compatible and compromise doesn't mean I have to break a boundary but again, I learned the hard way. When he refused to compromise but demanded I did, I had three options. a) break my boundaries b) live in stalemate until I gave up (because he certainly wasn't going to) or c) leave the relationship because it wasn't a relationship anyway; it was a tyranny. I went through each option. At first, I just let my boundaries be broken because I wanted to put him first. Then I began to resent the abuse of my compromises and the never ending hunger for more control with every broken boundary so I would say no...for a time and then get so guilt tripped and rejected that I would eventually give in. Then it came down to the realization that a relationship could never grow when boundaries are on constant assault or not allowed to exist. To be clear, there are some who even when presented with an invitation to break boundaries, will instead encourage you to be your own person and hold on to those boundaries because they are more interested in having a relationship than a tyranny.
All of that brought me back full circle to the question, where does compromise end and boundaries begin? It finally clicked in my mind and you may be surprised at the simplicity of the answer.
M - E
It was a hard learned lesson but I realized that it starts with knowing who God created me to be as a person and where He wants me to go in life. When I know and embrace that, then I can more clearly decide what I can live with and what I can live without. If I don't know who I am, what makes me tick and what ticks me off, then I will always find myself in a confusing mess of saying yes to things I really don't like, no to things I really did want and just in general making compromises where I should have boundaries and visa versa.
In order to help you hopefully avoid learning those same lessons the hard way, here are some questions to consider to help you get started on knowing who you are so that no matter what situation or relationship you come across, you will have a clearer picture of where your compromise ends and your boundaries begin.
Who are you? i.e. what personality do you have?
What direction do you see God taking you in life? i.e. It doesn't have to be a specific degree on a compass but knowing if he is pointing you North versus South is a good start
What causes your heart to skip a beat and just light up with life?
What are 5 things you will not compromise on because to do so would be to lose a part of what makes you, you?
What are some things that if you were asked to give up, you would immediately feel like you are compromising your core values and integrity?
What are some things you would compromise on? i.e. things that you like but if given the choice between that thing or someone else's choice, you would be fine and hold no regret or bitterness
Thank you for taking the time to read this post! I hope you found in insightful and helpful. :)