Thursday Tippity Tip: 4 Ways to promote better conversations

1. Listen – I can hear you loud and clear saying “Well DUH Erin, this is a no brainer!” But stick with me! When I say listen I mean actually engage your heart and mind in what the other person is saying. There is a difference between passive listening (what we do most of the time) and active listening. Passive listening is when we are hearing information but either aren’t really thinking about it or get caught up in all the stories, antidotes or opinions WE will say in response. Active listening is when we are not only processing what is being heard but are also considering the information as we receive it. We are consciously and purposefully engaging in what the other person is sharing. Active listening is a learned art and goes beyond just hearing. Even deaf people can be active “listeners” and be actively “listened” to when a person is engaged with speaking to them in ASL. We truly learn to actively listen when we make hearing others a priority.
2. Ask customized questions – If you are not really listening you will not know what to ask. Granted you can ask generic questions but how does that make you feel when someone does that to you through out an entire conversation? Unheard and unimportant right? So as you actively listen, write down or make a mental note of customized questions. What do I mean by customized? I mean questions that directly relate to what the person is saying. Every person and every conversation are unique. Let’s say Suzie is talking to you about a bigger car she bought. Don’t just say “wow, that’s neat, what kind is it? And leave it at that after she answers. Ask questions beyond that with something like, “Wow Suzie that sounds exciting! What kind of car is it? How do you like it so far? What do you see yourself being able to do now that you have a bigger car? What prompted you to buy that particular vehicle? Etc. You see the difference? Of course you don’t ask those all at once! Let Suzie get a word in edgewise. ;) Those questions are just to show you how you can go beyond the surface pleasantries and genuinely give her an opportunity to be heard at an even greater depth through asking customized questions.
3. Focus on being in-tune – Whether the conversation started in the office hallway or you are meeting them for lunch, focus on being in-tune with the attitude of whoever you are in a conversation with. Maybe they are going to be more rushed or blunt because they are rushing to a meeting and need to go over something with you quickly. Match their serious tone by stopping whatever you are doing and paying attention to what they are saying. Now is not the time to delve into pleasantries or swap notes on where to get the best manicures. If you are meeting someone for lunch and they seem sad or stressed, match that by not cracking jokes that are insensitive to their pain or by dumping stress inducing stories on them like how your cousin nearly lost 1,000 in an internet scam. If you are in a conversation with someone and they turn abusive with their word or manipulative match that by removing yourself as quickly and nicely as possible because that is the only way to match that kind of inappropriate behavior. Simply put, meet them where they are at and go from there. By being courteous and conscientious in this way, people feel heard and understood which makes for better conversations.
4. Put away devices – It is easy to have your cell resting on the table or your TV on real low in the corner, or any other device out in the open calling for distraction from the conversation at hand. No matter what device, put those things aside. If you are having a conversation turn off the TV, set our cellphone on the kitchen counter where it can be heard (if you need to hear it) but it is not right there begging for attention. Humans are more important than technology and face to face conversations are more important than answering a funny meme text. I don’t like feeling second rate to a cellphone screen, a TV commercial or a Facebook notification bing on a tablet, and I am pretty sure others don’t like it either. Do your conversation and your friendship a favor and set aside devices and distractions that come with them. They will still be right where you left them (unless you have kids because in that case, who knows where they will end up ;) ).