I'm Only Human: Part 2

In my effort to create an atmosphere of tranquility I threw myself into the impossible role of being like a Step-ford wife, thinking that if I just did enough, submitted enough, then all the pain I was beginning to feel more and more would eventually be made right. I did this until I finally came to a breaking point and a profound realization

I bleed when I fall down. And bleed I did when I finally crumbled under the weight of my humanity that I tried so hard to override. Only most of the bleeding was internal. The kind of slow bleeding nobody saw until it was nearly too late, but I felt everyday. For a long time I let myself get twisted into thinking it was my responsibility to carry, fix, or assuage his life and his choices as if they were my own. I was a good machine until my body, soul, and mind had had enough and crashed. To be fair, the engorged cyst that came about from letting myself be second rate to everyone else was there before he ever came along and I just didn't know it yet. He simply ruptured what was already primed to be imploded at any time.

One of the first things I realized when my "I'm only human" epiphany happened is the harsh fact that many people (knowingly or unknowingly) don't like it when a person finally becomes comfortable in their humanity. Perhaps because it would make them have to potentially examine or be reminded of their own short comings, and lets be honest, nobody (not even me) likes that uncomfortable and vulnerable place. Or perhaps because coming face to face with a person in their raw state of humanity (like I was at the time) is plain messy and they aren't equipped to deal with that kind of thing. It is a rare person who is comfortable in their own humanity and compassionate enough to give space and grace to let others be human without judgment or shame. Which is why during this season of healing, I have often felt punished for ever looking happy during a bad time in my life because the assumption is that if I were so unhappy how could I have ever looked or said differently at any point in time? I mean, there's pictures of me smiling with him so surely it couldn't have been THAT bad!

I get it.

I really do.

It is hard to understand so let me explain.

Hell can feel normal when you live in it long enough. The human body, being the amazing creation it is, learns to adapt and adjust to that being the new "normal" of life which is why a person can look happy but internally be bleeding to death. Here's the thing though, all humans can only internalize for so long before their mind overheats and their body and soul subsequently crash. Sometimes permanently.

For example, look at this picture of Warren Jeff's wives.

They look so happy and aside form their up-dos and prairie dresses, they could be a group of ladies on a women's retreat. Every single one is smiling and looking at the camera. As a side note, their photographer should be commended and receive a medal for not only getting them all to smile but also look in the same direction! That is a rare skill. Just sayin'.

However the real point is, they all looked radiantly happy but the majority of them were miserable. That picture is literally a 2 second snap shot of their lives. It reveals nothing of who they are as individuals and certainly nothing about their lives. You don't see the bruises (physical, spiritual, or mental) that each one carries. You don't see the hurt, jealously, abandonment, hardship, or confusion they felt on a daily basis. Sure they were used to that kind of life and thought it was "normal" because they were brought up in it, but it doesn't mean they liked it or aren't damaged because of it.

As painful as this journey has been, I needed to crash. I needed to learn I'm only human and that being human is...enough.

Enough for me

Enough for you

It has taught me to have a deeper compassion for people more than I ever had before, especially to those who choose to deny their own humanity and still want to hold me up to a perfect standard because life is hard for EVERYONE whether they want to admit it or not.

"Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous: Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing."

1 Peter 3:8-9

It has taught me that I will be hurt in life and when that happens it is OKAY to sit with that hurt until it heals because that is how I then understand how to comfort others who hurt.

"Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God"

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

It has taught me that God created me human and therefore knows I am human and therefore EXPECTS me to be human.

The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy...He hath not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities...For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust.

Psalms 103: 8, 10, 14

It has taught me that it is not a matter of if but when I will experience the fragile balance of my humanity and how to gently fall into God's soft embrace of grace when I do.

"When I said, My foot slippeth; thy mercy, O Lord, held me up."

Psalms 94:18

It has taught me to be aware of my limitations and be okay with saying "this is as far as I can go" and not feel bad because so long as I am walking humbly with God and doing his will, I will be doing exactly what I need to be. Nothing more, nothing less.

"He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the Lord require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?"

Micah 6:8

It has also taught me that being authentic takes courage because it requires me to look at my frailties and strengths and admit I can't and SHOULDN'T be everything to everybody. That is God's job. Not mine. Not yours.

"Lord, make me to know mine end, and the measure of my days, what it is; that I may know how frail I am."

Psalms 39:4

All of these truths are helping me to rediscover who GOD made me to be. Like a house with walls that have been painted, wall papered, and paneled over the years, God is stripping away the layers of people's opinions, my own harsh criticism of myself, and all the unrealistic standards I allowed to cover up who I am.

As I look at who I am I know on one hand that I am only human. But on the other hand, another greater truth is emerging.

"I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are they works; and that my soul knoweth right well"

Psalms 139:14

I am no longer ashamed of being me. I am no longer afraid of being "only human". It is my very humanity; the delicate fragility of this intricately, masterfully, fearfully and wonderfully made physical and spiritual body that makes up me, that declares the glory of God throughout every blood drop cursing through my veins, every tissue fiber that flexes with each step I take, and every breath filling my lungs.

This post was long but I hope my transparency has given you a safe place to be real and know that you will be loved just the same. This is a place where you are free to be only human and simply let the love of God heal what hurt has wounded. This post is an invitation to take the time to discover who you are in Christ. It is vital you become intimate and comfortable with who God made you to be so you know how to protect the fearfully and wonderfully made person you are. Become nothing less than the amazing, unique, beloved and precious person you are in the eyes of God.