I'm Only Human: Part 1
These lyrics belong to a song called "Human" by Christina Perri
I can hold my breath / I can bite my tongue / I can stay awake for days if that's what you want / Be your number one / I can fake a smile / I can force a laugh / I can dance and play the part / If that's what you ask / Give you all I am
I can turn it on / Be a good machine / I can hold the weight of worlds / If that's what you need / Be your everything
I can do it / But I'm only human / And I bleed when I fall down / I'm only human / And I crash and I break down / Your words in my head, knives in my heart / You build me up and then I fall apart / Because I'm only human
Wow...
I used to be exactly what is described in the lyrics. I was that girl. Growing up I didn't see the error in my thinking for so long because my family was a safe place that shielded me. They loved me and appreciated my "chill" diplomatic attitude and never used it to manipulate so I assumed other people would do the same. But as I grew and my circle expanded, I discovered a totally different world. I would take on other people's problems, discomforts or sorrows because I so badly wanted them to feel better and thought they would appreciate any sacrifices I made on their behalf. Sadly, my keen sense of desiring everything to be fair and right (even if it cost me) often trampled my practical voice of self preservation and sound wisdom. I learned the hard way that most people will suck a person like me dry. Not always intentionally but the result is still the same.
Because I allowed my compliant nature to be one of my greatest downfalls instead of one of my greatest strengths, I began to loathe the very empathy that in reality gives humans their humanity. As I got older I perceived it as major flaw within me. In my heart of hearts I saw how my empathy made me a prime victim to be enslaved to people's desires whether they were good, bad, or indifferent but what I didn't realize is it was also a gift that allowed me to understand people and their hearts and needs in a deeper way than most people ever can.
This flaw I thought I had lead me to expect a perfection of myself that not even God expected of me. Instead of protecting that gift and cultivating a healthy balance, I just tried to convince myself I was a strong assertive person. The mask I wore made me "feel" more confident and less victim like but it never fixed the heart of the issue. I was like a Chihuahua trying to be Chow. When I went into protection mode I barred my little teeth and grand-standed in a poised stance in the hopes people would stay away. It was never that I was truly mean or even planning on biting them but there was no mistaking that my growling yaps were definite "NO TRESPASSING" warnings. Most people took the hint and backed off taking with them a negative perception of me. You'd be surprised how many people are afraid of snarling little dogs the size of their foot lol! Anyway, looking back I know I should have taken the time to understand and love the gentle, intuitive nature God gave me instead of attempting to protect myself with a flimsy mask.
It was only a matter of time until someone saw past my "all bark and not bite". And one day a man did. Because he seemed like a safe person I put my guard down. Ironically, he was hiding behind his own facade and mask. The difference was, I was a misguided sheep, he was a wolf in sheep's clothing. With everyday that passed, he discovered a new way to puppeteer me with just a look, a pout, and soon a subtle dismissing of who I was, using some words but mainly deafening silence because he realized my empathy, a core quality of humanity itself, was defenseless and all he had to do was capitalize on it.
In my effort to create an atmosphere of tranquility I threw myself into the impossible role of being like a Step-ford wife, thinking that if I just did enough, submitted enough, then all the pain I was beginning to feel more and more would eventually be made right. I did this until I finally came to a breaking point and a profound realization
TO BE CONTINUED...
