Herohopia

Herohopia – "He-row-hope-ee-ah" An imaginary state of mind where you have to be the hero of your made up utopia in the hopes that you can convince yourself and everybody else that your life is perfect.Know the feeling?I do.All too well.For the last three years I have lived in that state of mind. I thought that in order to be a “good Christian”, and as a representation of Christ, I had to be the hero of my made up utopia on top of making my life look perfect to everyone else...nothing less would do. At least that is the twisted story I told myself.Having a bad day? Nothing a smile can't hide.Cried your heart out all night? Nothing a little makeup can't cover up.Feeling depressed? Nothing a artificial chatty attitude won't distract from.Dealing with a huge problem? Nothing a superficial “I'm fine” to a “How are you?” won't fix.Now, let me be perfectly clear, God knows we are frail and but dust which is why he ONLY requires our belief in Jesus' perfect sacrifice and nothing more because perfection can never be reached this side of heaven. The things God uses to help lead us toward perfection are things he works in us and not things we need to strive to attain in our own strength. He knows we will fall short and that is why he is so plenteous in mercy and grace. Not so his mercy and grace can be abused, but so we have a way to get back up when we make mistakes.But back to what I was saying -Herohopia was a lonely place to live. All I could do was hold onto the desperate idea that if I just hoped and tried hard enough things would maybe, hopefully, possibly work out and people would never see the vulnerable, broken...me. It wasn't that I was intentionally trying to be disingenuous. It was hard enough trying to figure it out for myself so I hid behind my hero cape and mask because it was easier then explaining or expressing.Herohopia was a fantasy land I put myself in, only it wasn't a fantasy. While everyone saw the facade I wanted them to see of a dream come true, I was slowly fading into a nightmare. While everyone assumed I had it together because I was so good at letting no one in, I was frantically trying to plug all the leaks and super glue all the shattered pieces of my life together.It didn't work.Instead I was drowning and cutting myself on the sharp shards of my life.So what made me decide to live in such a place?The short answer?Fear and pride...fear of people's shaming opinions intentional, imagined, or otherwise.Fear of the questions that would be asked because I knew that with the way things looked, I would be blamed.Fear of letting so many people down because I felt I had to hold up and fulfill all their opinions.Fear of facing myself because I knew I had allowed so many of my boundaries to be broken because of my empathy.Pride in thinking I could help that someone if I just gave them a chance by sacrificing myself for them because they seemed so genuine.Pride in believing I was responsible for holding it all together as if it was up to me anyway.Pride in not listening to God or to a wise counselor who would tell me things when I did open up about the turmoil in my heart even though I would only give them a peek.Pride in thinking that because I had dedicated so many hours of my time to read books upon books on the subject that I just needed to try “one more thing” and that would make things work.Because of my fear and pride, I was stuck.Or so I thought.In the world of herohopia I knew I was responsible for my choice so I thought if I admitted I made a terrible mistake then people would blame God and be disappointed in me and I couldn't let that happen...no sirree. I couldn't let them see what a mess I had made.So I ran into the delusional world of herohopia and there I lived in misery while God patiently kept faithfully coming and showing me the way out. He kept trying to get me to see that being a hero looked nothing of what I was doing and I didn't need to be my own hero. He kept revealing the truth to me but because I was so convinced that since I got myself into the pit I had to be the hero that saved myself too, I dismissed God's gentle nudges with,“I'll just try harder”“I'll do better next time”“I'm sorry I failed God but I will find a better way after I pull up my bootstraps”“I made this choice so I just have to pretend I am happy with it because I deserve this punishment”.While I kept saying I, I, I, the great I AM was trying to get my attention but I kept ignoring him.He was my first hero. He saved me from my sin while I was yet a sinner but noooo, this mess was too big for him.When I finally got to the end of my strength; when I was finally too tired to hold up the weight of everything upon my shoulders (and by everything I mean, shame, fear, others opinions, guilt, pride) God was able to lift those things out of my weak hands that had no more strength. I didn't even have the will power or desire to snatch those things back. I just wanted to die because the wounds inflicted through my own stupidity and through the allowing of someone else to trample on my spirit, was too much for me to bear.BUT GOD...He was my hero once again. He rescued me out of the land of herohopia and he took me to his strong tower where He has begun the mending.Whenever I look back, I see only one set of footprints that go beyond what my finite vision can view and I am humbled.You see, when I started listening to God and really began paying attention to the things he was trying to tell me the past four years, the fear of man decreased and the fear of God increased. Fear of Him because I was reminded of his power, glory, amazing grace, and pure justice. Fear of Him because His holds the power of life and death and his opinion is the only one that truly matters above all else.My pride had caused me to fall but God had never stopped reaching his hand out to pick me up even when I slapped it away time and again with an“I can do it!”.As God has been healing me, I see what a fool I was for thinking I had to or even could be the hero that saved myself from my mistake. God reminded me what a child of God looks like because of who He is. God made it simple. Focus on living your life and I'll take care of the rest. Listen to me and I'll make the path clear. So what does a child of God look like?A child of God humbly admits mistakes. They know they are human and have/will fall short time and again but God is bigger than their mistakes so they press on.A child of God knows their limitations. They know when to say “I can't, but God will carry this for me”.A child of God never sacrifices who God made them to be for someone else. They know they can't and shouldn't strive to save others by taking on their burdens because that is not for them to do.A child of God is honest with themselves. They don't feel the need to hide their life because there is no shame. They know where they have failed but they also see where God redeemed that failure and that means Satan can no longer hold that over them.I had fled to herohopia because I had made a mistake, because I didn't keep my boundaries, because I thought I could help a broken person who seemed to want to grow but in truth didn't, and because of those choices I couldn't be honest with myself, or others. It really felt like I had betrayed myself (because I had!) and I couldn't bring myself to face that reality. It was too much for me to realize I was my own worst enemy...that I was where I was because of my choices...O.U.C.H.When I finally let God lead me to the mirror and humbly looked up I saw anything but a hero. I saw a battered, broken, and bruised heart. I saw a sad shadow of who God had made me to be because of my mistake and stupid choices. It hurt to see what a pathetic sad person I had become because of...me.BUT GOD...He didn't leave me staring in the mirror. He simply wanted me to see where I was so I could leave that place.He wanted me to honestly look at my choices and own them so that I would be careful going forward not to repeat those same choices.He has gently been having me work through each hurt so that I can see how he protected me despite my poor choices and never left my side through it all.God wanted the best for me all along but I kept pushing him away.How sad, that I kept myself chained to something God was trying to free me from. His rescue mission began the moment I jumped head first into the hole. It just took Him this long to get me out because I let fear and pride keep me from taking his hand up.Are you stuck in the isolated land of herohopia believing it is up to you to save yourself from whatever mess, however big or small, you have got yourself in?Are you still hiding from yourself hoping you won't have to face the real you behind the hero mask you wear?Take it from me, and just exit the facade and lie that you have to be a perfect hero because it is a ticking time bomb that will have you self destructing in a matter of time.Healing begins when you face reality with the attitude that God's grace is sufficient and will redeem what gets broken by the clumsiness of your humanity.Healing begins when you stop expecting of yourself what even God doesn't expect, perfection.Healing begins when you own your choices and ONLY your choices, good or bad, knowing God will correct and guide as you go.Healing begins when you realize only God can be the hero and what a hero he is! Hope you found this post encouraging and helpful! 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