#1 Relationship Rule: It's All About Me
When it comes to relationships I have always wanted to better myself. In my youth, one might often have found me curled up with my nose in a relationship book. Human relationships were and still are a subject that intrigues me to this day. Whenever the opportunity arises I find it a treat to snatch up a relationship book and learn all I can. However, it wasn't until recently that I realized throughout my years of study I had missed several pivotal relationship defining truths. I completely missed the fact that all of the books and advice I read were only describing relationships as they SHOULD BE and COULD BE, but were not a PROMISE of what WOULD BE. Second, I failed to realize that EVERY relationship I choose to grow in has to be lived out as unto the Lord and no one else. But even above those important truths, I was still missing the #1 relationship rule. IT'S ALL ABOUT ME.
Looking back I realize I unknowingly twisted the truth that I am 100% responsible for me to mean that I am 100% responsible for the entire relationship. Every miss communication became my fault because I willingly took the blame. After all, that is what I was supposed to do...right? My compulsion to make any rifts right compelled me to be the first to say "I'm sorry" even if I had done nothing wrong. I took deferring to others, no matter what, to a whole new level. It was my delusional belief that If I tried to make things right, however that looked for the situation, then my relationships would work, be happier, and all of my expectations would be realized. In my thinking, doing everything right in a relationship and owning 100% of my choices would guarantee the other person would do the same. Um...WRONG!! Oh so very, VERY wrong. My miss-guided thinking and lack of boundaries set my relationships up for failure and me up for abuse. Don't miss understand, to be giving is a great trait but my mentality and way I over gave myself made it hard for ANYONE not to take advantage of my TOO willing spirit. There is a better way to be a giver without giving my soul, and God is teaching me how to do just that; to give of myself instead giving myself.
Now you know how I used to be, but what about now? In the last couple of years God has shown me that a relationship involves two people but I am 100% responsible for just one, me. MY choices, MY heart, MY actions, MY responses are ALL my responsibility and I am NOT 100% responsible for making a relationship work. Thinking I had to, or even could, carry 100% of a relationship was silly and truthfully, prideful. I mean, who was I to think I could carry the weight of the entire relationship or that my actions alone could make it work? My thinking was akin to one horse in a tandem drawn carriage trying to pull all the weight and expecting the carriage to roll forward smoothly. You can imagine the disaster that would create! You see, my heart's desire to be the best I could be at a relationship was right, but my approach and motives behind that desire were not. I praise God he showed me these truths. It was honestly hard to realize I was my own worst enemy and the pain I was feeling was MY FAULT. God is helping me me realize it is unfair of me to set my expectations on those who aren't any more capable of meeting them than I am. He is teaching me that I need to do everything as unto Him and give Him my expectations instead of handing them over to imperfect humans. As a side point, there is ONE expectation that is good and right to hold. It is absolutely okay to expect others to take 100% responsibility for themselves, and if they don't, I have learned having healthy boundaries is a wise response to their lack of owning their choices. To refuse to take on what is their's to own is just wise and doesn't enable bad habits to continue. To continue, like the ever gracious God He is, He didn't expose these things to me to laugh at my mistakes or tell me how stupid I was. He saw the pit I had walked into, pulled me out, and showed me how I got there so I wouldn't end up in it again. Each day, by bringing little and big situations for me to work through, he is helping me heal wounds from attacks I had left myself vulnerable to and practice how to approach relationships better. He is helping me cut away the heavy burdens of others that I allowed to be twisted around my heart in a knotted mess. This has been a slow, eye opening process but one I wouldn't change for a minute. The wisdom I am gaining from all of this is priceless. I'm becoming a healthier person. The more I learn the better I am becoming at rightly handling a relationship so both parties are encouraged, edified, and sharpened instead of one or the other becoming a dull block for the other to scrape their sharp edges on. “Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.” Proverbs 27:17
It is my prayer that this post encourages and empowers you to change the way you are approaching things if you find yourself stuck in the same destructive relationship thinking I was once in. A good or bad relationship all comes down to one factor. YOU. What are YOU going to choose to do? You can’t control the cards dealt to you in life but you are fully responsible for wisely learning when to hold them, when to fold them and when to walk away.
Blessings,Erin
